Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
