i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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