WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
being pregnant is like rehab
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize