Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
