haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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