im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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