I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize