dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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