a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
