Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
