Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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