at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
