If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
