I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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