yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
