Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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