I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
