I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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