oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
