I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
