we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
