I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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