I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
