Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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