my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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