seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
