He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
