Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
