your parents love me but you hate me
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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