Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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