You just made me feel so damn special
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize