I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
