happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
