I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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