Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
