I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
