Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
