I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
