you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
