I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
