"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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