he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
