I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
