does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Little spoons don't ask big questions
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
