walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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