Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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