thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
