hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
