I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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