I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
