i think my mom watched the whole time
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I wish there were birth control emojis
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
