3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize