I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
