Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We're not piercing ourselves today.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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