I wish I could teleport
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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