my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
