Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
