it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
