Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
