just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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