Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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